Blah blah blah let’s get right to it!
Dear Sommelier Ferdinand,
You’ve dropped some hints that you look down on beer. Why is this, Sommelier Ferdinand? You have a growing fanbase—surely, you’re aware the effect that your insults have? And before you dismiss me as another beer drinking sports fanatic—yes!—I do enjoy beers! I relish the different tastes of a Belgian Ale, an American lager, and especially an Italian pilsner (all “swill”, to you, sir). And, Mr. Sommelier, I wonder… why are you so judgmental towards softer drinks? I would think expanding your palate is beneficial for a sommelier, no? -Enrico
Thank you for airing your concerns, Enrico. But I assure you, my palate has never underperformed, even in the womb. And to imply that my faculties of taste are not superb… this presents a fundamental misunderstanding that must be cleared up. Taste is not determined by relativity; which is to say that drinking beers will not strengthen the precision of my winetasting. It would help me compare the taste of the wine to the taste of beer… but I’m okay leaving that comparison up to imagination.
I’m a comfortable man, Enrico. I must be comfortable—I’m too old to be shifting this way, that way. I admire your dedicated to beer—which I do not think is “swill” (that’s reserved for actual soft drinks)—but I’m not going to change my ways, bub. I’ve drank many beers in my life, and I’ve come to the conclusion that its function is altogether different than wine’s. Beers are for casual, social occasions, in my perception. Huddling ‘round the telly, maybe a barbecue or hoedown—but beer is not an activity unto itself. At least, not in the same way wine is. I have no trouble gathering a group of friends around a bottle of wine as though we’re sitting down to solve a puzzle, together. And that’s because wine is exquisite, each bottle is unique—whereas beer is mass-produced to taste the exact same. Trust me, there’s enough carbon dioxide in the atmosphere; I don’t need any more in my glass.
Where I will give beer credit, however, is for its glassware. Steins, pint glasses—very satisfying to the grasp! I’ll take a beer glass, but no glass of beer, Enrico.
I appreciate your writing in, and I wish you the best of luck with your indigestion.
-Sommelier Ferdinand. 15.9.21