Ever heard of a wine cocktail?

by Sep 17, 2021Eccentric Somelier0 comments

DEAR READER,

I hope some of you learned from the reader letter last week [hyperlink to Week Ten post] and checked your attics! You never know how much wine sits above you, waiting to be uncorked and decanted—on someone else’s dime!

Dear Sommelier Ferdinand,

I have a delicious wine cocktail I had to tell you about! It’s a Appellation Cooler, and I think it’s breathtaking how the basil vermouth provides a savory layer underneath the sweet, dry white wine! Have you ever tried making one of these? -Mariana

Mariana, thank you for writing in. But, I need you sit down for this. Have you heard the rumors about how sausage is made? The mixing together of discarded cow parts—packed into its own meat product? Well, that’s exactly what a cocktail is: the mixing together of various liquid refuse into something sweet or bitter. Essentially, you’re burying your daily pill in a mound of sugar to make it go down easier.

And to even consider mixing wine with mixers, liquors—what have you—is a distressing thought. Get it out of your head, Mariana! In fact, don’t ever think put those two words together, ever again—that alone is dangerous enough.

Similarly, it’s in humanity’s best interest to throw away the garnishes. A cucumber slice besides a glass of wine is palatable, but a cucumber slice inside a glass of wine… that is sacrilege. In fact, even less superstitious than “sacrilege”—it is simply a waste of wine. I stress this, perhaps more emphatically than anything expressed on this column: save the wine!

Imagine preserving wine for months, years… taking the hour to assiduously decant… only to mix with vermouth, which was mass-produced in some plastic barrel a five hundred miles away, then marketed with tacky, American South-themed commercials? I shan’t push you further, Mariana, because you have good intentions, after all. Let’s talk alternatives.

Instead, why not save the cocktail ingredients for the next Ladies’ Night? Throw the cucumber slices on a pita with some hummus, or maybe in a vegetable salad. And let the wine occupy its own glass. Treat it like the delicacy it is! That would make your dear Sommelier very happy indeed.

-Sommelier Ferdinand. 9.8.21

Explore More from Our Blog

Would you bring your child to a winery?

DEAR READER, What a pleasure to be back! I admit it: these mailbags are now my favorite point of the week. Even during the contentious back-and-forth, I always enjoy opening my inbox to see words from you all. “Kind” ones, sometimes—but as you know from last week—I...

Our Sommeliers suggested wine

DEAR READER, I must be honest—I expected many more well wishes after posting that old journal entry. Everyone is modest when they say they don’t want well wishes, and so I expected there would be a few of you who saw through my “plea for privacy”. But, I forgive and I...

Because Life Needs Good and Evil

Black and white. Chaos and order. Sinner. Sinless. Life is a constant search for the happy medium, the yin and the yang. It’s as renowned psychologist Jordan B. Peterson explains, “Order is not enough. You can’t just be stable, and secure, and unchanging, because...

Thank you, Lehman Brothers?

On this day, 13 years ago, the world broke out in a panic when Lehman Brothers filed for Ch. 11 bankruptcy. Still the largest bankruptcy filing in US history, it was the climax of the Great Recession of 2007-2009. Subprime mortgages were to blame, lending money to...

Beer vs Wine, a timeless debate…

DEAR READER, Blah blah blah let’s get right to it! Dear Sommelier Ferdinand, You’ve dropped some hints that you look down on beer. Why is this, Sommelier Ferdinand? You have a growing fanbase—surely, you’re aware the effect that your insults have? And before you...

What would you do if you found an expensive wine in a cellar?

DEAR READER, Never in my life have I been happier to pontificate about wine than at my computer desk. In person is stimulating, sure, but they always talk back at some point. My lovely readers, however, only speak when I like! This internet thing has utility!...

The Beginning and The End.

Alas, the sun has crossed the celestial equator from north to south. Summer is now quite uneasy, shifting into fall in the north, while life is springing into action down south. What a beautiful time of the year! When grapes are cut from the vine to create new wine,...

The Future of Wine

We humans are bold if nothing else. Unlike any other species (that we know of), only we have chosen time and again to go boldly where no other has gone before. This holds especially true to the modern European, the first to really “discover” ignorance. Though they...

Could Mozart Make Your Wine More Complex?

We usually do three things when drinking wine: look at it, smell it and taste it. We activate three of our five senses to understand what’s going on in the glass. I propose we go further by incorporating sound and touch. Surely what we’re listening to while...

What on earth is a ‘Wine Decanter’?

DEAR READER, It’s come to my attention that many of you are ill-informed, misinformed, and frankly, uninformed about how wine is to be consumed. Were I only a wine enthusiast, it would be wholly dispiriting. But—wine is my profession, and I’m obligated to recognize...

“What’s My Next Question?” – Benjamin Kaplan

What’s My Next Question? On a random day like today 11 years ago, a legendary Harvard Law professor and lawyer, Benjamin Kaplan, died at 99 years of age. A rich, marked life that left an impact long after his last breathe. Apart from influencing the likes of Ruth...

Wine that Makes You Look Up

Wines that Make You Look Up Can you imagine having a device that magnifies your view and never thinking to look up, never pointing it toward the sky? Until August 25, 1609, nobody had. Enter Galileo Galilee, the man who changed the way we see and interpret all that is...